Saturday, September 27, 2008

Fickle Bitch


It’s official, I’m fickle. God, I swore it would never happen to me but hell, here I am staring it in the face. You know that old saying, be careful of what you ask for because you might not want it when you get it? Well, that happened to me. Let me explain. What does most single gay men want more than anything in the world? Well? Come on, say it aloud: Most single gay men want more than anything in the world to meet a really nice guy that is single and cute/hot and… doesn’t have to much baggage. And yes, this is what I wished for each night when I closed my eyes: “Jesus, please bring me a nice guy to hold in my arms at night who'll love me just as much as I love him." Amen. I know, a corny prayer, but there you have it.

I met Blaine one night at the Chili’s on East Independence and we clicked immediately. He couldn't seem to take his eyes off me (he was my waiter) and even dropped a platter of dirty dishes because he was looking in my direction instead of looking in front of him. Yes, I admit it, I laughed at him. There was something so relaxing and endearing about the way he gestured in the air as he slowly told stories after work that night in his soft, southern accent about his loony family and stream of crazy roommates. I sat there and became very smitten, staring into his huge blue eyes that night. For the next three months, we were joined at the hip. I won’t say that I was in love with him yet, but I was very, very close and he was on my mind constantly.

So, what’s the problem you ask? We were totally great in all respects as a couple until we got to the bedroom and then bam, nothing (crickets). I mean he didn’t repulse me or anything… he just bored me in bed. I love kissing him, get lost in his kisses for hours but as far as sex goes, nothing.Usually after 20 minutes of fumbling around we’d just roll over into separate corners and go to sleep.

I'm so screwed (well actually, I wasn't but that's beside the point). Damn, damn, damn. I meet this perfect, wonderful guy that treats me like a prince and I’m not into him sexually. I can’t let this go on. I have to break up with him. I roll it around in my head for a week, depressed and crying in the car on the way to and from work. I hate being the bastard in the “relationship” (it was only three months, ya know); I can handle being dumped much easier than hurting another person. The thought of hurting Blaine is killing me, but it has to be done. I can’t help asking why, why, why to God. Why did he let me meet this perfect guy that I’d prayed for and wished for so long…only to have it not work out?

Blaine went berserk when I broke up with him. He called and texted non-stop for the next two weeks, pleading and wanting me back. And then the messages became hostile and MEAN. I hated hearing all the evil things he was calling me now, but at least I knew he was healing if he was that angry. I'm uneasy these days. My beliefs are shaken up. I got what I asked for and it wasn't enough. I really don’t think I’ll be looking for a relationship for a long time.

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