Monday, December 15, 2008

Calling Rules

I know I'm opening a can of worms, but I want to talk about gay calling rules or the do's & dont's of the cell, it you will. My take on this might not be the freshest or the most enlightened, but hell, a guy has to try, you know. I sincerely hope it’ll strike a cord with some of you guys out there. Something happened the other week that got me to thinking on this subject. Please, if you have the anything to relate or share, feel free.

Back to what happened: I think it was a Tuesday at work, I was busy trying to do three things at once but stopped long enough to give directions to a truck driver that was picking up some old books. Maybe an hour later, I noticed someone hovering behind me and staring. It was the truck driver. I sort of smiled and say hello again. He smiled real big, walked over and shook my hand formally, giving me his name, Ted.

Duh huh, oh I get it, now. Finally a freakin' light bulb went off. I'd never even gotten any vibes from talking to him earlier (not unusual, at work, I’m all business) but Ted was a big old homo and apparently interested in me. He was built tough, muscular and kinda cute.

We must have talked 45 minutes until I finally told him I really had to get back to work because I was getting evil looks for my boss ( who doesn't know shit about the book business but looks good pretending he does). He hurried over to my desk and scribbled his name and number down on my word-a-day calendar. I better hear from you he commands firmly in a gruff voice . I give him my business card and get back to work. Two days later and I haven’t heard anything from him (warning, Ken, warning). Then it starts, should I call him or wait ? Should I? Should I ? Should I? I knew he liked me, sparks had fairly jumped from his eyes when he’d pressed the crumpled up word-a-day page into my hand and commanded me to call him. I knew it wasn’t looking good for me, he’s had two days to initiate contact with me and well, and he didn’t. I kept opening my cell to see if it needed charging or was broken, but no, it just fuckin’ refused to ring.

So, I called him:


“Hey, Ted. How are you?”

“Fine. Who is this?”

“Ken… from Barnes & Noble. You gave me your number.”

“Ohh. Hey Ken.”

“Hey Ted.”

“So, what’s up?”

“Slow day at work, thought I’d call and say hello.”

“Well, I’m glad you did.”

“Okay, well, I better go. Bye.”

Well damn, did that or did that not suck?

Some points to make:

He seemed less than thrilled to hear from me.

Had aliens abducted the guy with the sparkling personality I’d met just the other day?

I’d heard a masculine voice in the background ask who he was talking to several times.

What have we learned from all this? Guys, do not fuckin’ give your phone number out if you don’t want the guy to call you !! When and if he calls, for God’s sake, seem pleased and at least attempt to carry on a conversation. Do not, I repeat, do not ask for a guy’s number if you never intend to call. He’ll remember and he’ll tell all his friends and they'll tell people and before you know it, you’ll have a reputation as a big old player. Do not give out your phone number if you’re already involved, and yes , open-relationships count. Obviously, Ted had a boyfriend or fuck buddy that wasn’t too pleased about him talking to me on the phone.

You meet a hot guy out at happy hour. You have great conversation and it comes time to leave, separately (you both have to work early the next day), do you exchange phone numbers, take his number or give him yours? I think the best thing to do is to exchange numbers; it ups the chance of a call actually being made. Sometimes, I give my number and walk away from the situation with the mindset, if he calls, he calls. Sometimes that works and sometimes, not. As many times as I promise I won’t do it, if it’s a guy I particularly liked, I'll end up mooning about and wondering when he’s going to call and become increasing melancholy when he doesn’t. I never just take a guy’s number and leave, then it’s all up to me to do all the work, I hate that and it’s a bad sign that he’s either a scaredy-cat or just plain lazy in bed (nothing worse than a lazy top that always just wants to lay there like a beached whale so you can ride him to completion).

So, what about a situation where some pesky guy that you’ve not interest in absolutely insists that you take his phone number? Do you smile at him and say thank you? Do you ball his phone number up and throw it back in his face and tell him to drop dead? Do you say that you wouldn’t call him even if there was a magic spell on the telephone and every time you called his number, you’d have the mind-blowing, earth-shattering orgasm of thousand dollar bills (imagine the UTI you’d get from the printers ink)? The jury is still out on this one, I’m afraid. For me the best thing is to take the number, smile and say thanks and stop there. Do not promise to call this guy or commit to anything. Just smile and say thanks, nice to meet you, see ya later. The thinking behind this is you want to seem like a cool guy, but at the same time you want to get rid of him quickly so you can possibly talk to somebody you might be interested in. As soon as he leaves, throw the number away, lest you have too many Coors Lights and accidentally call the number later thinking it was that hottie in the tight pants that stood over by the pool table all night staring at you and finally decided to come over and talk to you 10 minutes before closing.

So, how long do you wait to call after you get the number? It depends, I think. The general consensus is that if a call is going to be made or received, it should be within 2 days. I’d have to say, I agree. Yes, I know life happens and sometimes things come up. While listening to a nationally syndicated talk radio show recently on dating rules, one of the hosts asked the dating expert if she’d feel odd if a guy that she’d just met at a bar and exchanged numbers with called her later that same night instead of waiting the normal two days. She admitted that it would indeed freak her out and perhaps make her think he was over-zealous, a stalker, perhaps. I don’t know, I think I’d find it kind of sweet if the guy called briefly and said he’d enjoyed meeting me tonight and that he’d call me in a day or so to make plans to go out to dinner.

Okay before I forget and end this piece or go one step further, we need to get something out in the open, something very important:

If a guy tells you he’s been real busy and hasn’t had time to call, BULLSHIT.

If a guy tells you things are going to be crazy at work for a while and he might not have time to call you, BULLSHIT.

If your guy goes out of town and doesn’t call because he’s too “busy”, BULLSHIT.

If he tells you his cell was broken, lost, voice-mail full, BULLSHIT.

If he tells you he lost your number, BULLSHIT.

Okay, enough… you get the idea. If a guy is truly interested in you, he’ll make time to call you no matter what. Even if his life is hectic and things at work are tense, a guy can find a few minutes to call if he really wants too.

And well, dude, if your guy doesn’t call you when he goes out of town, don’t be a fool, you’re fixin’ to get your ass dumped or need a new STD screen cause he's doing something with somebody and it sho ain’t you.

Even if his cell phone was broken or lost, he could have borrowed a friend’s phone, used a landline, a phone at work or (heaven forbid) a pay phone. And the, “my voice-mail was all full up” excuse is just plain stupid and doesn’t rate any kind of explanation.

And guys, would you really want to go out with a dude that lost your phone number? Come on, if he was that careless about where he stowed it on himself that night you met him, he didn’t really value meeting you.

Okay, I’m out of here. Call, damn you .


StevieB said...

There is nothing bettter than hearing the boyfriend/current trick in the background.

bodie said...

You are a gifted writer.