Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Sound Of Silence

Today was my first day back at work in a month and Thank God, I was going crazy sitting at home every day. You can only “rest” so much and then it’s time to get your ass back to work. The people at work surprised me by presenting me with a huge get-well card and $35.00 cash collection everyone had pitched in on. I was touched to say the least.

Feeling euphoric, I grabbed my phone out of my locker and heading out the door at the end of my shift. I checked my messages. ______ didn’t return my phone call from today or the text from yesterday. I had a feeling that would be the case after I gave him another chance and went out with him Sunday night. I know, Bad Ken, Bad Ken ! Why do I always fall for such charming jerks ? I’m so stupid. And to think I felt bad about hanging up on him the other night. I have to grow a backbone and not let him worm his way back into my good graces. He’s off work for the next three days and he’ll surely come sniffing around when he gets good-n-horny and thinks he’ll get some butt (though you & I know that ain’t about to happen unless I get some sort of commitment from him). No, I ain’t trying to be the Virgin Mary, but I’m older and wiser and know better than to give up the booty just because I’m horny. Ya’ll know the old saying about not buying the cow if you can get the milk free… It’s true !

When I got home, I wanted to laugh, shout and scream but only the silence and black, empty house greeted me. I remembered how hard I prayed for this moment to come to fruition many years ago when I was living with a very clingy boyfriend that was always in my face. Now, I had it in spades, all the silence and aloneness I could handle (be careful what you ask for).

So, I poured myself a glass of cheap chardonnay and sat on the back stoop to watch the fireflies and listen to the katydids sing. I probably shouldn’t be drinking wine considering all the medicines I take now, but I need something to take the edge off tonight. A moment of peace and time to think, finally. Maybe not such a good idea after all. Damn it, I wanted to talk to someone in the flesh. I was too keenly aware of how alone I was in this world. I could slip away in the middle of the night and it wouldn’t make one bit of difference to the world. It would keep spinning and queers would still pluck their eyebrows. I made out a star finally peering weakly through the low cloud cover and focused on it, beginning a conversation with God that lasted a long time.

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