Wardrobe Malfunction

I must be getting old. There's no other way to describe this change in me. Where is that carefree, fearless 80's teenager?

Last week I looked in my underwear drawer and shook my head, nothing but dingy tighty whities and boxers with snapped elastic. Time to go shopping. I went to the only store in town that carried saucy men’s underwear. I came away with three paisley thongs and two pair of those skimpy micro mini-boxers. You know what they say about wearing sexy underwear, sure no one but you can see it, but you know it’s there and therefore you’ll feel more confident and deeply sexual. We’ll see about that.

The thongs, can I first just say, Oh My God! What would posses someone to willingly wear those hateful things ? That little eye patch in the front offers no support for the goods and that string that goes up through your crack, rubbing up-n-down all day long as you walk! Can we say, nasty butt rash just waiting to happen. Excuse me folks, but I did not feel the least bit sexy when I was wearing a thong. I felt, in pain. What does one do with thongs you don’t plan on ever wearing again? Usually I use my old underwear as dusting cloths or to wash the car, but there’s not enough fabric in these things to do anything with really… Maybe a paisley slingshot?

And let’s not forget those micro mini-boxers! Ouch! These things should be renamed nut-smashers or placed on gentleman that have a lifelong dream to sing with the castrati. I guess the trick to wearing these briefs is to buy a size or two larger than you normally wear. But then they probably wouldn’t fit as well around the waist and the whole “sexy” look would be lost. Hmmm, guess I’m sticking with plain old tighty whities and boxers from now on.

I guess it's a good thing I didn't buy one of these numbers, huh ?