Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Games That Men Play


Yesterday was a very frustrating day to say the least and also I found out that my heart isn’t as hard as I thought.

I met a guy at the Eagle last Friday night. I was sort of surprised when he came over to me and introduced himself. Jack is one of those uber-macho gay guys that yes, actually watches sports on TV (instead of Project Runway), works out at the gym daily and has a manual labor job that leaves him with grease permanently embedded under his fingernails. Jack’s type isn’t usually interested in me, they tend to only be interested in other uber-butch dudes, not that I’m a big, flaming queen or anything, but uber-butch, I ain’t. We stood in a corner and talked all night long until last call. We had so much in common it seemed:

We both were raised on cattle farms, him in upstate South Carolina and me in Gaston County, NC

We both were really in our health

We both didn’t drink except for the occasional glass of wine

We both didn’t smoke

We both were more or less in a caretaker role for our aging mother’s

We both were into nature

He was all top, I’m all bottom

Over the next week, we talked on the phone several times a day and when we weren’t doing that we were emailing or texting. We met yesterday for coffee around lunchtime the Caribou’s on East Blvd. He was all smiling and just about to burst out of his skin because he said he had a surprise for me. Finally he blurted it out, he had gotten us a motel room cause he just couldn’t wait to have me naked and in his arms.

Wait for it… Wait for it…

“Oh by the way, I’m neg, what’s your HIV status?” He asked.

I’m poz.” I think it came out sounding more like a question when I answered: “I’m poz?”

I thought back to all the conversations we’d had and yes, the several instances when I’d alluded to my “meds” or my “cocktail” or said the name of my doctor who is a very well-known HIV specialist in this area and wondered how he didn’t pick up on these finer nuances. It was my fault, I realized, I had not said the actual word, HIV in our conversations. Guys, some people don’t pick up on things, you have to literally have to clobber them over the head for them to figure out what the deal is. This is why so many single poz guys don't go out to bars anymore. Do we need to wear a scarlet HIV emblem on our chests, Hester Prynne style ?

Jack nearly jumped out of his seat. I saw him look around real fast to makes sure no one had overheard the conversation. With a curt sputtered, “Take care, man.” he was outta there. And there I sat feeling like the biggest fool on Earth and trying not to cry.

It hurt. God, it hurt. Life isn’t fair sometimes, ya’ll. I was glad for the hurt though because I thought I’d hardened my heart to such a degree that people like Jack couldn’t get to me anymore. I'm not the ice-princess I thought I was.

Jack was fairly frothing at the mouth to be with me until he found out I was poz and then, poof…nothing. My value went from 100 down to a 3.2 in a millisecond with just the utterance of two words, “I’m Poz.” I can understand why a negative guy might have reservations about being with a poz guy, they’re scared and we remind them of something they rather pretend doesn’t exist. But if you've taken so much time to get to know a guy and you like him, wouldn't he at least deserve your friendship even though you might be too afraid to sleep with him?

What makes a gay man valuable? Be honest:

HIV negative

Top

Big dick

Hot/sexy/handsome

Money

Material things

Connections


Okay, guys. Be good and hug a poz buddy today. Cya.

8 comments:

Howard said...

Ooo, I've had that happen a few times. Only one of them had it hurt by telling me that my honest made me more attractive but he was still scared crapless. His honesty made him more attractive. That hurt for sure.

I finally had to realize that I didn't want their ignorance and fear in my life anyway. So much the better.

Trust me, I know that hurts, but you are so much better off in the long run.

And to answer your question: None of the above. Instead I'd have to say integrity, intelligence and a sense of humor.

DELLA REESE said...

DAMN THAT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR! HE REALLY SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN THAT! THAT SHIT IS HELLA WRONG! AND THAT SAYS A LOT ABOUT HIS MATURITY LEVEL!


KEN U NEED TO SHOOT ME AN EMAIL AND GIMME UR NUMBER SO WE CAN TXT BABE!

Nik_TheGreek said...

I don't know how bad that must have felt. I'm very sorry...

I must agree with Howard though on both things. In the long run it's for the best and on what's most important on a guy.

take care of yourself.
#hugs

Leon Koh said...

some people may not know what to handle this siutation, and so don't take this personally

a big hugs all the way from singapore

Leon

Geoff said...

I'm so sorry. Life like some people...just isn't fair.

Sending a big virtual hug your way.

Jeff said...

What a dick, really. Fuck him. Better yet, don't.

raulito said...

Sweetie pie, in my opinion you just have to start living your life a little different...live it as if this was the last day and live with HIV not die from it. Just remember that the fucking illness is not what defines you...you have a lot more to offer than to dwell on that. Besides, remember that we are all under a death sentence the minute you are born...just try to leave this world a little better place than you found it.
saludos,
raulito
http://fromtop2bttm.blogspot.com/

my gay dating blog said...

dance like no body is watching, yes life is to short thats for sure, we have so little time, so yes dance my friends dance ;)