Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I Got Way Too Much Free Time...

*I wonder why stores ran by Asian people always smell like onions. What, are they running to the storeroom between customers and slicing up Vidalia’s? Somebody, please explain.

*I wonder why guys with big dicks are always such big pricks (God, I'm so witty). If you're well-endowed and don't think you're God’s gift to gaydom, let me know you're out there, ok.

*I wonder why I say, “Fine” when my doctor walks into the examination room and asks me how I'm feeling. I'm at a doctor’s office, so obviously, I'm not fine. It must have something to do with my sunny, Southern disposition and not wanting to sound like a whiny bitch. Come on folks, if there was ever a time to be a whiny bitch, it's at the doctors office. Guys, don't hold back ! If your left big toe hurts, tell the doctor. If you have a funny looking zit beside your cooter, tell the doctor ! If you don't feel comfortable discussing such matters with your doctor, get a new doctor. Don't make me hunt you down.

*I wonder why stores get away with charging customers $25.00-$50.00 annually for a store discount/super-savers card. I mean, they're charging you for the privilege of letting you shop there, folks. Don't be a sucker! If it's a store you shop at ALL the time and you have the extra money, I guess it is a good deal to pay your $25.00 or $50.00 to get 10% off all your purchases for a year. But for the casual customer, complete and total rip off, ya'll.

*I wonder why straight guys think it’s so hot to see two women “LEZ” it up but get so grossed out by two attractive men making love. Hmmm, I guess it's the same thing as me being able to pop a boner when I watch straight porn if the guy in the film is hot enough...

*I wonder why white boys with dreadlocks keep from laughing their ass off when they look in the mirror. Looky here, white boys: certain things don't look “right” on us, so just don't go there. Don't make me smack you.

*I wonder why there’s a brand new Jaguar sitting in front of the old, beat-up trailer down the road from me that’s full of redneck, white-supremacists. I mean, these people are so bad that they even use Confederate flags as draperies (I'm not kidding). Even in the depth of winter, that’s always a crowd of shirtless, snaggletooth hillbillies standing around in the yard drinking beer and shooting the (neo-Nazi) breeze. You generally don't think about these sorts of people riding around in a Jag, do you?

Be sure and listen to me reading some of the funniest hook-up ads I came across:


John said...

LMFAO your so freakin country, love the ad reading part.

Juanne de Abreu said...

big pricks, big dicks, hehehehehehehe