Tuesday, March 1, 2011

First Date Hygiene Rules

  1. Even if you’re a top, please wash your ass if you think you’re going to have sex! I was just starting to get busy between this guy’s legs when I kept noticing a really bad poop smell wafting up every time he groaned or moved a little. The only thing I could figure out was that this guy had recently taking a dump and hadn’t wiped very well. After trying to stifle a gag, I quickly made an excuse about having to work early the next and left. No BJ for him.

  1. If you think someone will be performing oral sex on you, do not douse your private parts in cologne or soak in the gift-with-purchase strawberry bubble bath you received with that tube of Clinque bronzer. It might smell “pretty” but it doesn’t taste “pretty”. Besides, a man should taste like a man, right ?  But don’t be afraid to use plain, ol’ soap and water.

  1. If you’re uncut, do pull your skin back and wash your dick well.  Not that many guys are into stinky wieners and if they are, beware.

  1. If it’s summer or even if you just sweat a lot, do wear a light coat of underarm deodorant.

  1. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash and sugar free mints before a date. Watch what you eat before the date, stay away from onions, Indian food, salami and garlic. If you’re a smoker and your date isn’t, don’t smoke before the date. If you get him drunk later, feel free to light up at that point because he probably won’t care that your breath smells like an ashtray.

  1. If you’re a bottom and think you might get fucked later that night, stay away from gassy food. Don’t let your date take you out for Mexican. And do, do, do (hehehe) douche out and try to eat lightly for at least 12 hours beforehand. Try not to eat a lot of read meat.

  1. Groom your feet; if you think there’s a chance in hell you might take your shoes off during the course of the date. Do you really want him to see those gross, yellow claws you call toenails? I think not. If you have sweaty feet, use a little foot powder.

  1. If you’re wearing white underwear, and have to take a piss before or during the date, make sure to shake your wiener well afterwards. Even better yet, take a piece of toilet paper and place it over the head before you shake it to make sure no last minute spurt of pee ruins the pristine whiteness of your undies. And heaven forbid, you should happen to get pee all over your drawers or worse even yet a(gasp) skid mark, take your undies off and discreetly throw them away in the bathroom. Sure your date might think guys that go commando are:

    1. Cheap
    2. Overly eager
    3. Continental
    4. Cocky

But, who da fuck cares? You’re getting lucky tonight, right?

I could go on and one with these dating hygiene rules but I’m gonna stop for now for now. Ya’ll be good and don’t forget to wash your cootie. My pink don’t stink and yours shouldn’t either!


BosGuy said...

Too funny and so true. Situation #1 happened to me. It still makes me angry when I think about it.

. said...

Hilarious... can't say any of them have actually ever happened to me, and I tried to identify one guy with one of these situations, none came up... eeek, does that mean I am that awful date...hahahahahaha!