Saturday, March 26, 2011

Odd Thoughts

I was recently going through some of my old writing and came upon this journal entry from June 13, 2003 (two months after testing HIV positive):

"If tonight were the last night of my life, what would I say or do ? I’d call as many people as possible and tell them that I had loved them and held them in my heart. I’d also ask for the forgiveness of my parents and the two men I had been lucky enough to love. I’d write a long letter to my ten year old niece, explaining life’s mysteries as much as I possibly could. Then I’d lay down in that thick patch of clover in the lower pasture and wait for God."

I'd have to say that I pretty much still stand by that thought. But I think I'd add that if they dared remember me as some kind of goody-goody, sweetness-n-light person, I was going to come back and severely haunt their asses. Ever notice how everyone becomes a saint after they die and their last words are always, "I Love you" ? Yuck, what a load of utter bullshit ! Surely someone, somewhere in history has turned to the person next to him and said, "You're getting on my last fuckin' nerve!" and then dropped quite dead.

Maybe it's not that we all believe the lie but perhaps death absolves you of your trespasses, mostly. I'm guilty of this mindset when it comes to my brother. I didn't always get along that well with my brother and he rarely showed any affection for me, but I don't think about that anymore and I certainly don't harbor any kind of grudge. It took his death for me to realize how much I did love him.

Ya'll be good, okay.

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