Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I Got The Dollar General Blues


This morning as I was driving around running errands, I couldn’t help but notice that there was a dark cloud in the back of my brain casting a pall over my thoughts. I couldn’t put my finger on it for the longest time, then it hit me: I had to drop by the Dollar General store to pick up an item for my mom.

Uggh! I hate Dollar General, it always depresses me and I avoid going there at all costs.

Smelling the abundance of designer imposter perfumes, dusty clothes made in Bangladesh and the sweaty ass funk of the down-n-out as you try to make your way through the crowded, junk-strewn aisles until you get to that garish, solar-powered, resin frog lawn ornament that your mom just has to have...

... it's enough to make a gay boy strangle Lady Gaga

You head for the register but nearly get knocked out by a falling industrial-sized jug of day-glow pink fabric softener. Who would pour something that costs $1.29 a gallon on their clothes? 

Then begins the process of waiting in line for 15 minutes behind old ladies as they buy Dippy Doo, Barbie clone-type dolls from Romania called Sunshine Lily, super adsorbent panty shields, Latino cleaning products, Fiddle Faddle, Gold Bond Medicated power, Tracfone re-up cards and generic cola with checks (yes, paper checks). You know what they say, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger or so they say.

I groan inside and settle in for a long wait.
Hmmm, what did I learn while standing there? 

I learned that Fabuloso will get "pecker-tracks" and "monthly" blood out of sheets (as long as you soak them at least an hour first), Tracfones can't get a usable signal in the Great Smokey Mountains and that Dollar General cola isn’t half bad if you add some rum to it.

No kiddin’, most things are a better with little rum, Edna.

Say, somebody hand me some Fabuloso.

Quick.

4 comments:

That's My Desire said...

I hate the dollar general too, only here in raleigh at the one near me is so hood. just soo much hood magic. You gotta be pan handled to buy cds and incense and body oils before you can even get in the damn store.

Adventures In Gay Dating said...

LOL ! That sounds so much like my store.

Kristina Knight said...

The sub-title for the blog is fantastic.

We should definitely network: www.embracingmyinnerwhore.blogspot.com

james said...

lol..love the post..we have a brand new dollar general here in NC..the Parkton area..it sells beer and wine now..so happy..this post mad some recall what some white trash woman told me when she saw my buying some bedroom slippers that were half off...she said.."honey those are cheap..I got my husband a pair to cut grass in"..lol