This is my depression diary. I wanted a separate place to write about my depression so I wouldn’t have to clog up the main part of my blog with “Debbie Downer” material. Hopefully I’ll see some patterns in my madness and be able to better work myself through the bad patches.
Here is a thought that is all too common in my mind these days. One night last week after I’d climbed in bed and was about to turn out the lights, I realized that I’d left the backdoor wide open and unlocked. I remember thinking that if someone did come in my house in the middle of the night to kill me, I wouldn’t struggle because they’d be doing me a huge favor. I guess in a nutshell, I feel that I don’t have anything left to live for. All my immediate family is dead and I’m so damn lonely for them that I can’t wait to die so I can see them again. No, I’m not crazy… I don’t want to die a slow, horrible death but there’s not much tethering me to this world right now.
August 17, 2011
I really wish my mother wouldn't regale me with all the gruesome details of her church friend's deaths. It really does a number on my nerves and makes me somewhat depressed and paranoid. I sooo don't need to hear about people having aneurisms in the bathroom.
December 14, 2011
Had my three-month touch base with my shrink yesterday. After I explained some current issues I’m experiencing, he commented that usually only women experienced this type of thing.
“Well, I am a great big queen!”
I thought he was going to pee in his britches because he laughed so hard. Then he upped my meds 20 MG and told me he’d see me in two weeks.