Cray Cray

In the first several months of a each new year when you bump into old friends, the Christmas past is often most inquired about. Such was my case the other day when I ran into Bobby, an old buddy from my clubbing days. When asked what Santa brought me, I answered that I had received the best gift possible, a diagnosis. I got a very puzzled look of course.

For many years, I’ve suffered from severe depression, OCD and chaotic, shifting moods. My shrinks just put me on a strong antidepressant and sent me out the door, not really all that curious about the origins of my mood swings. Only suggesting that I get a hobby or take yoga to get my mind off my problems.

Sigh

Whatever...

 Recently because I lost my health insurance,I started seeing a shrink at a charity clinic just down the road from my HIV doctor. My new shrink told me that I was indeed bipolar and needed to me put on a med for that, not just the antidepressant I was already taking. Suddenly it all made since to me, the years of struggles and constant mood swings. Somehow it had never occurred to me that “I” of all people might be bipolar. Heaven forbid, Bipolar people were crazy, right ?

So, since Christmas I’ve been trying to get my new meds straightened out. The first med gave me really bad heartburn, the second med affected my sleep (couldn’t sleep for more that 2 hours at a time) and gave me chronic constipation (I sound like a fun person to hang around, right?).

I can totally relate to an episode of the Golden Girls called Sick and Tired, where Dorothy is sick and extremely fatigued and none of the doctors will believe that anything is actually wrong with her, suggesting that it might all be in her mind. I’m here to tell you, that there’s nothing worse than knowing something is not right with your body and no one believes you. Well, Dorothy keeps plugging along and finally comes to a doctor that decided to run some very specific tests for things out of the norm and it comes back that Dorothy has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and it wasn’t all in her head like so many of doctors suggested.

So yes, I was thrilled to hear that I was bipolar. I finally had a name for this horrible thing that beats me up from the inside and my new shrink has offered me hope that I can me normal again with the proper meds in 2013, my year of good mental health.

Fetishes 2

Foot Worship 

(Being turned on by and getting sexual with another person’s foot)

What’s up with all these European men that are into feet ?

I've seen more hook-up ads with European men holding their cock in one hand and a brightly-colored trainer in the other. I mean, I LOVE shoes (they don't call me the male Imelda Marcos for nothing) but they don't give me wood. How do you find out that you like feet in the first place ? So you’re at Footlocker and spy a saucy, new pair of Vans and then suddenly...

   BOINK !

major hard-on !

Or are you making love to someone and suddenly feel the need to “get-it” between the toes ? Hmmm? That was it, right ? I’ll be the first person to tell you that rubbing my feet with have me purring like a kitten in no time and I have let a few freaky guys lick my feet but to be honest it just made me giggle like a little girl, totally didn’t turn me on sexually.

Let’s face it, most men have gross feet. Why anyone would want to get freaky with feet that look like they belong on Sasquatch is beyond me. I do get men wanting to do the nasty with a sexy woman’s foot in high heels, but men feet...naw.

Water sports

(peeing on people, getting pissed on and drinking urine)

Awww, water sports. After fisting, water sports was one of the most common things guys wanted to try with me (Hey, what can I say, I must looking like I do freaky stuff in the bedroom...). I always politely tell them that I have a sensitive stomach and the smell of the urine would probably make me throw up (which is very true-ish). I can get that being peed on might feel good because it’s a warm liquid cascading down your body but as far as drinking the pee...yikes...hell fuckin’ no.

I have a buddy that’s really into water sports and he tells me that you really have to be mentally psyched up to do it or you’ll start thing about what pee really is (waste matter) and it’ll make you sick to your stomach. Can’t you get Hep B or C from pee really easy or is that from poo poo ? Sounds like I need to take a trip over to www.mayoclinic.com and read up on the Hep.                                              

Fetishes

 

Over the next month or two, I’m going to be  playing the devil’s advocate and poking fun at different sexual fetishes (so don’t get your panties in a twist, okay). I’m older than dirt and by this point I’ve pretty much heard of every fetish that’s out there, I think...

Though maybe not, a friend recently showed me a website where gentlemen could pay a very nominal fee to view sexy ladies in high heels stepping on gas pedals in cars and even on a tractors or misc. farm equipment for a slightly higher price. 

I guess there’s quite a few men out there that finds this hot... women mashing the gas pedal down and the roar of the car’s engine. What would you call someone like that, a *pedalholic or perhaps *pedaliac ?  Yikes ! Those words sound a little too close to something else, better not use those terms.

Okay, here we go...

1.Fisting (someone shoving a fist up another person’s vagina or butthole)

When a guy asks me if I’m into fisting, I always say, “Sure, but only as a top ” This always shuts them up real quick, I mean, for real... do I strike you as a fisting bottom ? Honestly, fisting scares me. I have to think that it’s somewhat dangerous, I mean, you’ve got someone’s hand up in your guts. Yikes, right ? Plus, wouldn’t  fisting would make your butthole/cootie all floppy and at some point a dick wouldn’t do you any good, right ? I remember the first time I saw the initials FF in a gay hook-up ad in pink pages of the Advocate in the 1980's and thinking long and hard, I decided it stood for Face-Farting. And hadn't my gay cousin, Holland told me that there were some gay folks that were into some mighty weird and particular things that involved the butt ? Speaking of farting on other people...

2.Scat (pooping on other people, eating poop, watching people poop or playing with poop)

The first time I heard of scat I thought it had to be some great big colossal joke that was being played on me. I mean...really...people that get boners for poop ? No freakin’ way !  I once knew a transsexual prostitute that got paid major bucks catering to people that were into Hot Plates (squatting over a glass coffee table and taking a poo while someone lies underneath and looks up through the glass, usually pleasuring themselves at the same time).

***

After writing this, I was informed that these people call themselves "Pedal Pumpers". 

Valentine's Day

This photo show how I felt on Valentine's day when I had a sudden thought. June, Honey Boo Boo's momma has a boyfriend and I don't. I know that I'm old and eccentric now but that wasn't the case 7 years ago when I was newly single. Why in these past seven years have I not gotten busy and snagged some poor man ? I haven't really tried, to be very honest and it hasn't been a major priory. Maybe it should have been though... But perhaps I just need to learn how to make a mean pot of sketti and stop being some "got-dang" picky.

I'm A Chocoholic, But Really...

If my man actually gave me a chocolate cast of his penis for Valentine's Day, I'm not sure what I'd do:

*Slap him ?

*Laugh manically ?

*Throw up ?

*Grab the chocolate schlong and tell him to follow me to the bedroom ?

Still Kickin'

I know... I know...it's been ages. I've had a few "issues" (what queen doesn't, right?) and to be honest my creative muse either up-n-died or went to Thailand for a cheapie sex-change operation. Be back soon.