Friday, October 7, 2011

Sex Advice For Straight Women

  From time to time, the subject of sex advice from gay men to straight women comes up.

So, I finally thought I’d add my two-cent’s worth to the mass of information out there. I’m going to be brief and only hit on two very important points.

(It’s all in caps for a reason, honey)

Men, straight or gay want their dick sucked, no bones (hehehe) about it. Ladies, if you’re not sucking your man’s dick, beware.

About right now, some of you ladies are saying:

  “Well, he doesn’t eat my pussy.”

  “When he DOES eat me, he spends like 20 second and then wants to fuck!

“I have to beg him to lick my kitty kat!”

“Yuck, his wiener tastes funny!”

“The way he takes me for granted… He’s lucky he gets any pussy at all, let alone, oral!”

  "I’m just not into it!”

  “He won’t tell me when he getting ready to come and squirts in my mouth. Gross!”

  “I work a full time job and we have two little children, the last thing I feel like doing when I come home is sucking the hubster’s dick! I’m tired, ya know.”

Ladies, its oral sex (lack of) that makes most straight men stray. Many gay guys can easily list off the married, straight guys that they’ve blown. I’m not saying your husband or b/f might be tempted to come over to our side for a mere blow job but he might be tempted to let that blond, 44DD fake-titted, skank from next door play his meat flute.

So, you’re not really into it? Honey, you are a femm fatale. Act, damn it… act! Merle Streep has nothing on you! Sometimes, you have to sexually do things that are good for your marriage even if you’re not actually “into” it. It’s just a BJ, for God’s sake, it’s not like he asked you if you’d be into wife swapping or (heaven forbid) came strolling into the bedroom leading a German Shepherd on a leash.

One on my exes was into the leather/bondage lifestyle (I’m totally not) but while we were together, I explored and participated in some aspects of that scene with him. He was sexually content and that made for a happier relationship.


After you been together for a while and gotten comfortable with each other, you’ll get some version of this question:

“Is mine the biggest dick you ever had?”


“Is my dick bigger that your last boyfriend’s (or ex husband)?

Ladies, honesty is not required here, ALWAYS answer:

 “Yes, yours is the biggest dick I’ve ever had, honey.”

 Always let him know that your ex had a tiny dick. Don’t waste your time trying to figure it out. It’s a guy thing. Men want to think they’re King Kong between the legs (whether they are or not), just go along with it. Never, ever in a fit or anger, insult him by hurling remarks at him about his lack of inches. Those are words that can’t be recanted easily and will likely put a permanent dent in his sexual self-esteem.

And it doesn’t hurt if once in a while you channel Meryl Streep again and do some acting when you guys are doing the nasty. Slow him down and sweetly say something like, “Honey, you’re hurting me!” or “Honey, you forget how big you are sometimes, go easier on me!”

Again, this is a guy thing; don’t try to figure it out. Guys always like to think they’re “tearing it up” with their big, ol mammoth cock.

This also works if you’re not in the mood and he wants some cooter.

Say something like:

“Honey, my vajayjay is still sore from yesterday, can we just cuddle tonight?”

Sure, he’ll be disappointed, but secretly he’ll be puffing out his chest in pride.

Okay, ladies that’s my take on it. I realize that most of the things I’ve said here aren’t exactly PC or feminist-friendly but I’m just being as real as I can be.

Luv you, guys!

P.S. I bet you thought I was going to suggest you give him anal. Nope. Straight guys that want cooter, oral AND ANAL are just being fuckin' greedy. 

Wink at him coyly and say something to the effect of:

Sure, you're into anal but pull out a huge, greased-up dildo and tell him to spread his butt cheeks because he has to go first. 

Watch how fast he changes his mind, girls. 

1 comment:

Cat said...

This is so informative. I'm a girl who has often wondered about some of these things. I agree that sometimes we just have to be a great actress. :) Women over think...a lot. I am completely guilty of it. The way you write and explain things is refreshing.