Friday, October 2, 2009

Do You Give Off Bitch Vibes ?

For those of you that don’t know, I’ve worked with the public since I was in high school. In the 25 years since I’ve encountered just about every type of customer that the fates can shoot at a guy. Today I speak for myself and all my brethren in retail, customer service and the food service industry as well:

Yes, we see you coming through the doors, the pissed-off, ugly look on your face, stomping down the aisle toward us. We groan inside and dig in our heels.  

“Great, here she comes…”

We don’t care if:

You’re running late (you should have left your house earlier, bitch).

You’re in a hurry (stop trying to fit too many tasks into your afternoon, dumb-ass).

You need to pick your kids up from soccer practice (explain to me why I'd care about that, I'm a homo for Christ's sake).

You're on your lunch break (it’s not our fault that you work for a cheap-ass company that only allows you a 30 minute lunch).

So, when you finally come clicking up to the counter in your (Payless) high heels and dressed in wrinkled blue (TJ Maxx, no less) power suit, your face all red and glistening, hand still clutching a sweaty Blackberry and start sighing loudly, huffing-n-puffing and staring at your watch meaningfully because the clerk is with another customer and can’t wait on you immediately...

Don’t be surprised if we’re less than friendly to you when we do wait on you. 

Those of you that bang on the counter for attention or interrupt the salesperson in the middle of another transaction to question if anyone else could please wait on them (you are in a hurry, afterall), will be promptly ignored or lied to about the availability of addition clerks (as I said before, it ain’t our fault that you don’t manage your time better).

When dealing with a clerk it’s best to remember the old saying about catching more flies with honey than vinegar. If you’re patient and kind, most of us will bend over backwards to offer you the exceptional customer service you deserve (I said most, not all. There’s some bastards out there, ya’ll). If you give off strong bitch vibes, it makes our back go up and we just want you to eat shit and die to be honest, so try not to go there if you can help it.

And when you call a store about the availability of a certain product, please have some fuckin’ idea what you’re asking for, okay! I work in a bookstore, you’d be surprised at the amount of customers that call me up and say stuff like:

Customer: “ I was listening to the radio the other day and this writer was on this talk store and he mentioned his new book, do ya’ll have it? And I’m calling long distance, btw…”

In other words:

She’s saying, hurry the fuck up. I want to scream in the phone that just because you're too goddamn lazy to get off your ass and come in the store and do your shopping like everybody else, I’m supposed to be worried about running up your phone bill?

Me: “Do you remember who that writer was?”

Customer: “Well, no…”

Me: “Do you remember which radio station you heard it on?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not sure. I think it was NPR or it might have been one of those satellite stations…”

Me: “Ma’am, since I was at work and not listening to the radio at that time, I have no idea what book or author you’re talking about. I’m so sorry. You might do some research online and call me back with the title, I’m sure I could special order it for you.”

Customer: “Oh, just forget it. I’ll order it from Amazon.Com !”

Could you be more fuckin’ vague, okay? Stupid cow!

Or this will happen:

Customer: “My girlfriend was telling me about this book and it’s about this girl that falls in love with this guy and they get it on in a boat. I think the guy might be a vampire...”

Me: “Do you know the name of the book or the author’s name, ma’am?”

Customer: “No, I don’t know… But my sister said it was blue with a heart on the cover.”

Now, folks… How the fuck do I look that up in my computer? Type blue book with heart on cover or vampire in a boat for a keyword into my book search engine? I think not.

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. I’d need a little more information to be able to properly look this title up in my data base.”

Customer: “We’ll damn, I thought you guys were supposed to know books.”

Okay, there’s my rant about customers. Ya’ll be good when you go in a store, it just might be me waiting on you and I'm a bitch.

Hey guys, if you have some good customer horror stories, please email them to


.::STELLA*DELLA::. said...



Wonder Man said...

this is funny