Sunday, September 8, 2013

Minimal Criminal

I am without a doubt, a major colossal law-abiding nerd. In my teen years, my older brother Eric always seemed to be in trouble with the law for little, petty crimes like stealing cars, public drunkenness and driving on a suspended license. I guess seeing all the stuff my brother went through with lawyers, going to jail multiple times and seeing how it hurt my parents, I unconsciously did a 180 and became a ultra goody-goody.

Okay... well, let me back up and tell you what brought all this one. I'm proud to say that my sport of choice is power-walking. Before you groan and shake your head, let me mildly protest that power-walking is no longer just for senior citizens. I know right now you must be imagining senior citizens in windsuits power-walking at the local mall, right ? 

Don't you now it's too hot in North Carolina in the Summer for a windsuit ? Seriously, I'm gay for God's sake ! I'd never wear one of those awful windsuits. If you're not sure what a windsuit is, Google this term: Windsuit + 80's + 90's.

Even small as it is, the little town I live in North Carolina has an amazing walking trail running through the center of it made from an old, unused railroad track that they’d somehow paved over for the walkers in the mid-90's. I almost always drive into town daily (sometimes twice) and walk on the trail for an hour or so if the weathers good and I’m not ill. I don’t need to explain to you guys that exercise why I do know, the health benefits and plus it bring me peace, yadda yadda yadda. I pop my ear-buds in and off I go at a brisk pace listening to a good audiobook or one of my favorite pod-casts. And my poor tortured (addled) brain gets to relax a bit and I get some air and sunshine, win-win for me. 

Sometimes (often) I forget to transfer the contents of my pockets (wallet w/driver’s license, credit cards etc...) from my workout clothes back to my street clothes and find myself driving around town with no driver’s license. The very moment it dawns on me that I’m riding around without a driver’s license on my person, I totally freak and break out in a cold sweat.

“OMG, what if I get pulled over ?”

“Shit, what if I drive up on one of those road blocks where the police is checking for expired licenses and registrations ?”

“What if the policeman that pulls me over is a homophobic redneck and he plants crack in my trunk just so he can send this gay boy to prison?”

“Oh sweet Jesus, what if one of my friends drive by and sees me getting arrested for driving without a license and Tweets and Facebooks everyone that he just saw me pulled over beside the highway in my ratty work-out gear getting a DWI and being searched for drugs?”

So, help me put my mind to rest. If you or somebody you know is in law-enforcement, tell me what would happen if I got pulled over and discovered my driving license was in my other pants at home. Would the policeman still give me a ticket ? Would I be arrested on the spot ?  Would a police follow me to my house so I could get my license ?

You know, it just occurred to me that I could prevent this whole situation by always keeping my driver’s license in the glove box. I’m such a dense goober sometimes.

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